from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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