I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
