i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
