I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
