Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
