OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
