She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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