i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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