He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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