I think my vagina is haunted
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
