I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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