batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Randomize
