i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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