this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
