So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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