either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
