Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
