Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
