He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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