His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Randomize
