just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
