Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
