If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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