yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
