dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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