that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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