All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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