I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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