I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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