Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
