Define "chronic" masturbator.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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