Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
