look no pants
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
