epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she told me i tasted like america
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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