you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
