Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
