Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
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