she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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