May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
