If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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