The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
