my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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