His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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