Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
