doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
