I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
