I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I think my moral compass just broke
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
