I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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