Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
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Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
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My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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