Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
