how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Of course I have a pirate flag
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
