Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
