Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Randomize
