The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
