is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
