there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
