My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
