can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
